30th December '09

Some days are just meant to be perfect. At times you can feel it right at the onset that the day will be good. On others the realisation dawns somewhere at noon. The best are those in which you just sit back at the end of the day and go through the events of the day over and over again.
Day started with a long drawn haircut and a shave at the local hair saloon at Kalkaji. Despite my trepidation about the talents of the shaggy barber it turned out well. On the way to the barber shop got a call from GDC, Srinagar inviting me as an external examiner in January.
Went to the Select City mall at Saket at 3. Roamed all over the mall. Just me and my alter ego. Decorations, lighting and the X'mas tree were a visual delight. Got a couple of DVDs I had been on the lookout for sometime at throw away price. Specially Pulp Fiction. Had the most amazing banana cup cake with a huge cup of coffee at the cafe in the mall. On the way out spent a magical moment admiring the fountains. White water. Cold climate. Magical moment.
This day will remain with me forever. A beautiful ending to a turbulent year.

Golden Moments

Winter afternoon, sitting and having Cappucino at CCD in M-Block market, GK, Delhi. Setting sun is streaming in through the glass front of the cafe. The place is bustling with people out to have a good time. Chatter is all around and some western musical soundtrack is playing in the background. Sri Lankan team is batting in some One Day International in the LG plasma TV on the wall across me.
I've been sitting here close to an hour, nursing my second cup of coffee. Sitting here by myself, in a state of nirvana (or somewhere pretty close) I realised that this moment will stay with me for a long time. If not forever. So why immortalise it by adding a description which will transport me back to here and now?
The lights were just switched on inside the cafe and the sunbeams streaming in have turned golden making everything and everyone take a gleam of gold!
This is pure magic.

Gatsby's Gospel

Jordan Baker instinctively avoided clever, shrewd men, and now saw that this was because she felt safer on a plane where any divergence from a code would be thought impossible.
She was incurably dishonest.
She wasn't able to endure being at a disadvantage and, given this unwillingness, I suppose she had begun dealing in subterfuges when she was very young in order to keep that cool, insolent smile turned to the world and yet to satisfy the demands of her hard, jaunty body.
It made no difference to me. Dishonesty in a woman is a thing you never blame deeply - I was casually sorry, and then I forgot.

The Great Gatsby
- F. Scott Fitzgerald

Dogs are better . . .

Of all the lists I've seen this one is my favourite & slightly customised by me.
1. Dogs don't cry.
2. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
3. Dogs disposition stays the same the whole month.
4. Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
5. Dogs never criticise.
6. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever had.
7. Dogs agree that you've to raise your voice to get your point across.
8. Dogs don't expect you to express yourself.
9. Dogs don't care if you forget things.
10. Dogs are excited every time they see you.
Great, huh?

360 Degrees

I came a full circle yesterday. The journey which started on the 16th of August, 1999 reached a major milestone on the 19th of September, 2009. My very own dus saal baad!

Notes on Nose

I don't remember when exactly I started sketching side profiles looking towards the left. What I do remember though is that it was during all those boring lectures in school & college.
In school time I used to do it on the back pages of my class notebook. I used to draw other things like cubes, elaborate geometric figures which I used to meticulously shade, cars, trucks etc. Amongst all these side profiles formed a sizeable bulk.
During my college days, or lectures to be more precise, I went on with my free hand sketching on the margins of my notes. Dental Material being the deadest of all subjects brought forth my artistic talents in first year. I expanded on the side profiles, added different age groups, hair styles, ears, eyes but the nose more or less remained unchanged. Except for kids of course. 2009 May ending I went to Leh. There in a cafe at dusk I was sitting with Ayush facing the entrance. Suddenly the light went off and the candles at the tables provided mellow lighting. Just then a woman entered with her husband and 2 daughters. Slim, dusky, around 5'2", early 30s and very bengali. There was something about her which seemed very familiar. She sat facing me on the next table. I racked my brains for school mates, neighbours, college mates, train journeys, weddings, patients but couldn't place her anywhere nor could get over the feeling of familiarity. Made Ayush take a look but even she was clueless about her identity. The fact that even she was looking towards me made it all the more frustrating.
Then all of a sudden she looked to her left . . . . . . . the epiphany hit me like a bolt of lightening, the face/nose I had been sketching all these years was right in front of me!
Delicately curved tip, straight bridge, floor at a slight inclination, narrow nostrils, at a perfect junction with the brow and the upper lip. In my excitement I pointed it out to Ayush but she obviously was both clueless and bored by my weird excitement.
So now what are you supposed to do in such a situation? You just can't go over and say "Excuse me, you know I have been drawing your nose for years. I am glad that we finally met. That is your nose and me."
So like a chicken that I am I just sat and gapped at her nose while she got all flattered by the attention.

We move on to today i.e. 28th of August, and today again I saw a nose quite close to perfection, that to on a parent during Robin's class presentation. This nose was pretty good but it was no match to the picture perfect one I had met in Leh.
Aah! Memories came rushing back . . .

The Unforgiven

Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better, even of their blunders.
Nietzsche
Beyond good & evil.

I have been attributed to be 'blessed' by this gift, and as I have no reason to doubt the attributing autority, there must be some substance in this fact. But I wouldn't know that, would I?

On a different but yet in some way similar track Nietzsche also said, the highest wisdom is to have no fear!

Hum

Kahan gayab ho sub?

Dracula re-defined

So this is what I believe happened in reality.
Dracula was a great guy, the original romance icon. He had this immaculate dressing sense - all black & full formals. Perfectly tailored of course. Amazing dentition & a hypnotic gaze.
He partied hard & only at night. The classy castle didn't hurt. He slept in a coffin, but hey! no ones perfect.
Dracula got too close to the lady he loved & smothered her to death.
But then, don't we all?

Back to Blog

Been a while since I came this way. The difference this time is that I'm mobile now, i.e. I'm blogging from my cell. Times change, so does technology and so must we. This isn't as tough as I thought it would be for that matter. But all the same writing long blogs would take getting used to. Phew!

Brownie got back!

The bitch is back! It was almost like a resurrection which took everyone by surprise.
Sounds a bit derogatory but then umm.......ahh....she is a bitch after all.
No bashed skull, no injury, healthier then ever before. The bark is there, so is the bite.
The guards had chased her out of the staff quarters, that's all.
This is what you get when you listen to a Krazy Krackpot like Kakes!

Water Ways

I always had a thing for water.
As a baby I was petrified of bathing or so my Nani used to tell.
When I was 10 or 11 I got obsessed with swimming. I swam and swam and swam and then swam some more through the summer days.
Rains fascinate me. Mountain rapids have a hypnotic effect on me and I can sit and stare into the torrents for hours. Of all the water bodies it's only the sea which somehow leaves me cold and bored. Big waves, small waves, high tide, low tide. Big deal. Boring.
I drink a glass of water before stepping out of the house and there is an unspoken law that there should be a glass of water at my table when I reach my chamber in the college. There is a glass waiting when I go to attend a department seminar. I have it in the canteen, CCD, restaurant.....everywhere. I drink a copious amounts during the day, specially if I am working. I have had an issue with having some form of drinkable water with me while sleeping also. Its almost like my teddy bear. I hardly ever get up at night to drink water but I need to have it by my side every night or I just can not sleep!
I once even drank the water of my co-passenger in a train when I was unable to purchase a bottle for myself due to shortage of time. I just woke up with a start, early in the morning and just the thought that there was no water made my throat all parched like a dried up leaf! Although I was in an air conditioned compartment, by my condition you might imagine as if I was stranded in the middle of a desert. Contemplated the different options I had before me; there was no station coming anytime soon, drinking water from the tap in the loo was highly unappealing, so I was left with no choice but to "borrow" some from the person sleeping in the berth above. Wanted to drink a sip but by the time I finished I had drank half the bottle!

Slept off satiated.

In the morning the poor guy whose water I drank gave dirty glances to the rest three passengers in the compartment. 7am I was on the station and bade him adieu and thanked him in my heart.

Maybe I am a bit like water myself. Going with the flow. Adapting to circumstances. Fast to boil, easy to cool down. Palatble. Rejuvenating(?). Blue - as in the colour it's depicted in paintings. Transparent is the only thing I am not.

Viva galore.

I had to take viva for the 1st year and 2nd year Oral Histology the other day. Today it is Oral Histology for the 2nd years and Oral Pathology for the 3rd year. God! I am so fed up with all this. This viva thing has been going on since the past one week. Right now I have to take viva for around 30 more students and there is just another 80 minutes to go.
Academics really sucks at such times.
Waise it would help if I could pay more attention to the viva being answered then to writing this blog but then my mind has already stopped working so what the hell!

Benjamin Button..........a recap.

I think that it must be after ages that an english movie affected me so much. A movie which I can put in a similar genre is Forest Gump. That again was a movie which took you along American history from a personal viewpoint. I personally had not expected much from this movie. Specially because it did not have that much a presence in the Oscars though it was nominated in a number of categories. And after watching "Milk", a pretty ordinary movie, which fetched an Oscar for best actor for Sean Penn, I was all the more pessimistic.
Then this movie came along in the theaters, thanks to the strike called by film producers association resulting in the blockade of release of hindi movies this Friday.
I was blown away by the picturisation/special effects/make up. The improbable story line which seemed so believable. The unusual love story which went deep into the core of your heart. And the human, genuine and touching performances by both Cate Blanchett and Brad Pitt.
Some dialogues, though not that impressive when read away from the scene, still left an everlasting impression.

Like the voice over when Benjamin takes his father to the lakeside for the last time....

You can be mad as a mad dog at the way things went.
You can swear and curse fate.
But when it comes to the end, you have to let go.

The exchange between Benjamin and Daisy.....

What? What is it?
Nothing. I wish I could make some things last. What a shame that is.
Some things last.

And the finale of the movie......

Some people were born to sit by a river.
Some get stuck by lightening.
Some have ear for music.
Some are artist.
Some swim.
Some know Shakespeare.
Some know buttons.
Some are mothers.
And Some people dance......

Brownie.

In a nutshell the story is pretty plain and simple.
There was this brown colour bitch in Sardar Patel Staff Quarters called Brownie (what else?). She was fed by the families residing there and in return she would protect them from the monkey menace. A lean animal who seemed to be so meek and docile. She would lie down with her belly exposed whenever any inmate would pass and people used to hold her in their lap and make her jump- that was how gentle she was with them. Now this would have been a pretty simple story except for the fact that this bitch was class conscious. What I mean by "class conscious" was that she had a habit of barking at and biting the Class III and IV employees. Namely the workers and the guards. There had been a spate of robberies in the flats so the inmates were fine with the extra alert nature of this bitch. If any worker had to come to work in the flats he would have to be personally escorted by one of the inmates of the quarters.
Today in the morning she was beaten to death by around 10-12 guards and workers while all the staff members were in the college.
On the front this sounds like a pretty simple case of elimination of a pest, as they perceived her to be. But then if you look around the campus you would find multitude of pests roaming around with no one bothering about eliminating them.
The reason for this as I see it is that they did not take kindly to the bias expressed by Brownie towards them. The bitch despite being an animal was associating herself with the upper class. The lower class, despite the simmering resentment they must feel about the privileges and priority given to the staff were unable to protest. The death of the dog was a symbolic message. An outpouring of collective frustration culminating in the savage, barbaric and inhuman killing of that poor soul.
This is the story of Uttar Pardesh. This is what Bahujan Samaj Party and Samajwadi Party are all about. This is the story portrayed in that Booker prize winning book, The White Tiger. This is the fate which is going to befall all of us if things do not change.
God bless her soul.

Blankety-blank-blank.......

Today is a Blankety-Blank-Blank day.
Actually it's Friday the 10th and Good Friday for that matter, but as far as I am concerned it's a Blankety-Blank-Blank day.
These are the days when till the time I do not make an effort to think my mind is absolutely blank. Like a blackboard erased of all chalk marks or a plain piece of paper. I have absolutely nothing to think about, there is no work pending, nothing as such is bothering me and everything is moving like a clockwork. The sun rose as expected, the department is running smoothly and everything that had to be tackled has been tackled.
I love such days.
I won't say that these days are far and few in between but all the same they are a blessing, specially after a hard week or a turbulent time. Even writing a simple blog like this takes an effort as my mind simply refuses to work.
If I had to compare it to a real life situation, I would say that right now my mental condition is similar to a mountain top with a green meadow, surrounded by tall pine trees. There is a bright blue sky on top with a few whiffs of clouds floating by. A cool wind is blowing through the trees with a soothing, hushing sound. I am lying down on the grass looking up towards the sky through the branches of the pine trees. The earth below is cool and the sun rays a bit warm.
Total and complete nirvana.

What are the odds?.............(iii)

Yesterday evening I was on my way to Delhi from Jaipur by Shatabdi Express, it was 7pm or around about that time. My neighbouring seat was empty so I had plenty of space to spread my self and my luggage. I was practically sprawled across the two seats.
Was deep into a book, A Wild Sheep Chase when I came across the following lines........

"Having read that far, I shut the book, opened another beer, and pulled a box lunch of salmon roe out of my pack.
She sat across from me with folded arms, fast asleep. The autumn morning sun, slanting in through the train window, spread a thin blanket of light over her lap. A tiny moth blew in from somewhere and fluttered about like a scrap of paper. The moth ended up on her breast and stayed there before flying off again. Once the moth had flown off, she looked the slightest bit older."

.........now at this very moment a "moth" flies right across my face.
I must have jumped a foot!
I am in an A/C Chair Car in which all the windows are sealed. That, almost one inch long, moth flies across my face at that very moment, hovers around for 10 seconds and then disappears into oblivion. How did it enter, where did it go, and why me? I am bang in the middle of the coach.
What are the odds of such a collision of the imaginary and real world?

The Truth is Out There.

"Speaking frankly and speaking the truth are two different things entirely. Honesty is to truth as prow is to stern. Honesty appears first and truth appears last. The interval between varies in direct proportion to the size of the ship. With anything of size, truth takes a long time in coming. Sometimes it only manifests itself posthumously. Therefore, should I impart you with no truth at this juncture, that is through no fault of mine. Nor yours."

How was one to respond to this? He acknowledged my silence and continued to speak.

"You are probably wondering why I called you all this way here. It was to set the ship in forward motion. You and I shall move it forward motion. By discussing the matters in all honesty, we shall proceed one step at a time closer to truth."

At that point he coughed and glanced over at his hand resting on the arm of the sofa.

Came across these lines in A Wild Sheep Chase by Haruki Murakami. What was intriguing was that I was struggling with the basis of truth at that point of time.

These lines came like a revelation.

I could not have put my thoughts in words any better.

The Bride.

So here I am at 7:45pm. Travelling by Shatabdi yet again. This train is going from bad to worse. Torn curtains, cracked and dirty windows, broken foot rests, dirty toilets and even the quality of food is going down. Where is my freaking soup and bread sticks? Damn that Laloo!
Well that is not why I am writing this so let me get to the point.
I am intrigued. There’s this female sitting diagonally to me. Around three rows to my right.
Newly married with bangles, sindoor, bindi, a foot long mangalsutra, make up and stuff which proclaims look at me I am freshly (can this be used?) married. All that was missing was a neon sign on her blinking "I'm married FINALLY". Total behenji. North Delhi-Subzi Mandi-Govindpuri stuff. Around 28 to 32. Which is rather late if you are not a professional.
What amazes me is that I can’t make out if she’s amazingly good looking or rather plain to look at.
She has all the desi criteria for a fresh bride. Fair, reasonably tall, slim. Perfect lips, glossed and lined. Heavy duty eyeliner on the eyes, top and bottom.
Now her eyes are something else. They are either bewitching or extremely cold. Cold enough to see a person die without flinching at all.
There is this plump guy sitting next to her, around late thirties-early forties, who seems extremely bored. A bored person sitting next to a reasonably attractive woman can only be her husband. Or maybe a relative. Or maybe gay.
But now what puzzles me that since the start of journey, a good 5 hours back they have not talked at all. Which also points towards the fact that I am observing her a bit too closely.
Coming back to the eyes. They are black, round (what else they could be) and like two black stones.
When I say stones what I mean to denote is not only the lack of emotions but also the absence of any personality per se. She could be a humanoid, an android, a troubled soul. Or mentally deranged.
She intimidates me at some level I confess. Not the type of person you would want to cross path with. Cunning, cold and could cut you to pieces if she so desired.
God! Why am I being so harsh to her? Is it because of my inability to communicate with her and discover what makes her tick?
Maybe.
Conclusion: (ITS, Ghaziabad. 11pm)
P.S.(1): That guy wasn't known to her and jumped one seat as soon as it got empty. Majorly intimidated. The only thing he didn't cross was his eyes. Kept on giving shy/sly glances every 15-20 minutes or so to her.
P.S.(2): She got off at Ghaziabad. So I rest my case & pat my back.
P.S.(3): I got bored eventually, couldn't care less once I had my dinner and was satiated.
P.S.(4): The Bride was the name of the first scene in Kill Bill and Black Mumba (Uma Thurman) was the bride.

Numb.

How can a thing which is so simple to say can get so complicated to comprehend?
Is it me? Am I really so bad at putting things across?
And I thought I was pretty lucid till now.
Or is there a deeper malady to all this which I can feel yet not diagnose.
I've become so numb.
I've become so tired, so much more aware..................

What are the odds............. (ii)

The story starts in the year 2006 0r maybe 07.
One night while surfing channels I came across U.S Top 10 on Star Movies. There I watched the trailor or of a movie called "Into the Wild" for the first time. I got very intrigued by the plot of a young man hitch hiking all the way to Alaska to see if he could survive in the wild.
Amazing cinematography had to be there when the subject involves mountain and forests. Even the song they played in the promo was very apt. Meaningful and inspiring. I took down the name of the movie on my cell so that I don't forget.
The chances of such an off beat movie ever coming to the theaters in Lucknow were pretty remote so tried to get it from the local video parlours and the various music shops. As expected no one had even heard of it. My search continued for a couple of months more and I looked for it even in Bangalore and Delhi without any success.
The story restarts after a long break in March, 2009.
We went to Gurgaon to meet Ayush's friend. There in their book shelf I came across this book "Into thin air" by a guy called Jon Krakauer. That book was about a true account of a disastrous attempt to scale Mount Everest in which 12 people lost their lives in a single night. Really liked that book. Then during the course of discussion I came to know that they even had "Into the wild" written by the same author. I obviously was pretty excited by the find and finished the book in a single day, 3 sittings. The book turned out to be all that I thought it would.
The scene now shifts to last night. On my way back from Patrakarpuram market I decided to take a detour and pick up some magazines from a shop and if possible buy a DVD.
Changed my mind about the DVD and just picked up a couple of magazines. As the shopkeeper was busy with another customer I started browsing through the DVDs he had kept. After flicking through a round hundred of them I didn't find anything interesting. Gave the money to the guy and was about to leave when he told me that there was another bundle of DVDs in the back. Was in double mind but then thought what the hell, might as well take a look.
Another guy was already going through the bundle of around 50 DVDs and I just picked a few that he had already seen. As I turned to leave that guy had a sudden change of heart and he left before I could.
So I turn around to take a final look at the rest of DVDs and the last DVD in that bundle has "Into the wild" in the pick of 6 movies!
In all these years I must've gone through thousands of DVDs in video libraries, Planet M, Landmark, Crossword in all the different cities and many, many more in shops selling pirated DVDs without ever coming across this movie.
And then there it was all this while in a shop near my house waiting for me to come and pick it up.
What are the odds?

Field of Dreams

What a night! What dreams!
I saw rabid monkeys, someone out to kill me, my old school- Presentation Convent and L.K. Advani of all the people in this world.
The supersonic, psychotic monkeys (or maybe one monkey with her baby) was in Jammu. Out to get my ass, I was saved by Suzana who's trying her best to get a nip on the monkey. I was standing in the lawn and she seemed hell bent to bite me for some reason. The monkey is zipping on the boundary wall and propelling herself from the shesham tree near the waterfall. Divya is also there and I'm equally perplexed as what is she doing there, all the way from Banda. In the end I try to kick her and she almost gets a nip on my leg while Suzana is almost going to get a nip on her.....and I wake up with a start!
Before this in another dream I have this information that someone is out to kill/hurt me and I am put up in a hostel. I'm more wary then afraid. Nitin is in the room next to mine and I'm sitting there. A window/grill opens into my room so I can keep an eye if anyone comes looking for me. No one came from what I remember.
Nitin figures in the next one too. I've had a fight and am contemplating whether to call or sms. But I remember a chat about the one who is in England. Nothing specific but just ideal chit-chat which ended in an argument. Am lying on my stomach in the ground of PCS, facing the school building. For some reason I am eating powdered sugar from a paper bag. After some time I doze off and the next I know there is a commotion due to which I wake up. Lo and behold L.K. Advani has come to school with an entourage of 10-15 people. I get up to see what he has to say. He has three SPG guards with him in bandhgallas who are giving me dirty looks. One of them stands almost in front of Advani as if I'm out there to assassinate him. There is no platform and he's just standing on the ground and addressing a group of around 20 people. Nitin later comes to me and comments on how I was devouring sugar and then slept off there in the sun for an hour or so.
Two bad dreams out of three is not a good score and when was the last time I saw so many dreams in one night?
I think never.

Nightmare?

Saw a weird dream in B'lore.
I was wearing my black short kurta and grey tracks and was standing near Tawi bridge on the Jewel theater side. I had two hundred bucks in my pocket. As I stood there waiting for a mini bus to come it started raining. As I was waiting for the bus to come and take me home I saw a sewer manhole right before the bridge opening up and Pakistani soldiers coming out fully stocked with arsenal. They were in brown pathani suite which is their uniform. This was war and I was the only witness!
As I watched I could see the Pakistani army taking over the bridge. Tried to run towards the stadium but saw that it has already been taken and an army picket has been set. I could see that they were consolidating their positions before starting for the final assault.
Everything and everyone would be removed. I had to get to the other side. Warn everyone at home. Try to run away to the hills with my family. My cell obviously was not working. I had just 200 bucks on me and was in Ts, tracks and slippers.
Thought of running towards the other bridge but the thought of crossing through gujjar colony stopped me. I knew I had a limited span of time in which to act cause after that the extermination would start.
I was at a loss as to what to do.
Death seemed imminent.