The God & I


I have always struggled with the concept of god from a very early age. Surprisingly from what I recall I wasn't too god fearing as a kid. In fact I had more faith in science then I had in god. This must have been some where in 5th to 8th class and I distinctly remember telling my classmates in 6th or so that there is no god and one of them even complained to the class teacher! The little twerp.
I remember it was in a hill station where we had a hut, Patni Top, that I got around to the existence of a supernatural benefactor. There was this small rectangular mound of stones with a mud thatch on top, around 4 feet high which I discovered in the coniferous forest by chance. Inside there was stone plaque with a 4 arms deity engraved. The face was disfigured or not carved too well so I couldn't make out whether it was a god or goddess. It was kind of my personal divine angel. It started in a relatively simple way, I asked for something trivial. it came true. So I presented a small silver trident as a token of gratitude. These tridents or trishuls were available in the nearby towns for 40-50 bucks. As time progressed so did my desires and demands. I used to ask for something, it would come true, I would present a trident. As the stakes rose so did the price of trishuls. I think the last one I gave must have ran up to thousands!
As time progressed we stopped going to that hut and my folks shifted to our house in Kashmir. I used to go there every other month at one time. Now a whole year passed and I didn't even go there once. Eventually we decided to sell that hut.
That ended a part of my life which in retrospect seems like the closest I have ever come in being a believer.
I was a Shiv follower in college but that must be more due to the fact that we had a good Shiv temple in the campus and it was strategically positioned on the way to the examination hall!
Dharwar made me a agnostic once again. It was the trifecta effect of company, book and circumstances. I moved away then and it has been 14 years now and I am still away.
I believe in reincarnation. I believe in spirits. I believe in guiding angels. I believe in luck. I believe in coincidences. And I believe in houses giving good or bad vibes. But I do not believe in god.
Instead I believe that there must be some kind of strong supernatural force which guides this universe, but it doesn't give a crap on whether you have been good or bad. It runs things by it's own mysterious code.
I believe that I have some kind of guiding force helping me now and then along the way of life. I feel it when it's there and I know the times in life it has deserted me. Sounds very mystical, or maybe as if I am confused, but whatever it is that's the way I feel it.
So, I don't pray, I don't go to temples and I feel all organised religion is a sham.
I believe in me.

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